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Join Comixology Unlimited to read BtVS comics — The Complete Buffy Episode Guide
The Replacement

Xander: I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
Anya: We think the cat peed on it.

Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell, they have one-bedrooms, right?

Riley: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.
Giles: Toth.
Riley: What?
Buffy: He called you a toth. It's a British expression, it means, like, moron.
Giles: No. Toth is the name of the demon.

Riley (about the Toth demon): He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?

Giles: He had a very specific olfactory presence.
Xander: Well, I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place. (pause) I'm joking. I know what it means. He smelled. Right?

Riley: (at the City Dump) : What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing?

Apartment Manager: I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
Suave Xander: Right, there comes a point where you have to either move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.

Lame Xander: On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real firetrucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me!

Lame Xander: I woke up in the dump this morning.
Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice...hovel.

Lame Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.

Lame Xander: It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil.

Lame Xander: Wait till you have have an evil twin and see how you handle it!
Willow: I handled it just fine.

Anya: What happens next?
Suave Xander: Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
Anya: I mean, what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
Suave Xander: A car?
Anya: And a boat. No, wait, I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy, or a child. I have a list somewhere.
Suave Xander: What are you talking about?
Anya: Just, we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
Suave Xander: There's no hurry.
Anya: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying... I may have as few as fifty years left.

Giles: I said, "Oh, dear Lord."
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well it's always important.

Riley: Psychologically this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? (he gang looks at him) Just me then.

Anya: So... um, you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same... physical attributes?
Suave Xander: We're completely identical.
Lame Xander: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over... Fingerprints!
Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.

Giles: We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.

Buffy (about the two Xanders acting quite alike): They're kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

Anya: I liked it the other way. Put 'em back!

Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire goin' crazy if I'm not touching her, the other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content, just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.


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