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Join Comixology Unlimited to read BtVS comics — The Complete Buffy Episode Guide
Real Me

Dawn (writing in her journal, voice-over): Nobody knows who I am... not the real me. It's like nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No - underline, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a slayer.

Dawn (voice-over): People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks, just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus, Mom lets her get away with everything, "Your sister's saving the world." I could so save the world if someone handed me superpowers, but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even. If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does, and then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed because, like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from splinters.

Buffy: No, but, see, Mom, that doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magic shop, no school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom. I'm not going to Hogwarts. (chuckles) Hog— (looks at Buffy, who's not amused) Jeez, crack a book sometime.

Riley: Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great.
Joyce: Oh, thank you, Riley.
Buffy: Suck up.
Riley: What? It's a nice outfit.
Buffy: Mmmm-hmmm.
Riley: Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why.

Dawn (voice-over): Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is so into her. Always kissing... and groping. I bet they've even had sex.

Buffy: Plans? We planned plans?
Riley: Well, you said, "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang." And then I said, "Okay." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.

Dawn (voice-over): I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think its 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I've heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.

Giles: Just not used to automatic transmission. I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's just not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me. All red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.

Dawn (voice-over): Like Tara. She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wish they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. Huh, I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft.

Crazy Guy: Whatcha doin'? What are you doing here? Can't loiter. There's no loitering. That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard. But they find you there anyway, and it hurts. Please make it stop! (to himself) Shut up! Shut up! They'll hear you. (Dawn attempts to scream, but he shushes her) I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. You don't belong here.

Brad: I had to get her something. She sired me.
Peaches: Sire-whipped.

Anya: Hello there, little girl. We're gonna have fun, fun, fun! Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue, and ooh, The Game of Life.

Willow: It's Giles! It's 'cause he's British and doesn't understand about stuff.

Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.

Anya: Crap! Look at this. Now I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes, cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh, I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Xander: 'Fraid you and your buddies are gonna have to come back and be killed by Buffy later.
Harmony: They're not my buddies. They're my minions.
Xander: They're what now?
Harmony: Minions! You know, lackeys?

Harmony: We're gonna kill the Slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, at least get your own tune.

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck.

Buffy: Have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same except people pay for the things they don't return.

Buffy: How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Dawn (writing in journal, voice-over, about Buffy): She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.


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