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Join Comixology Unlimited to read BtVS comics — The Complete Buffy Episode Guide

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Riley: What are you?
Buffy: Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?

Buffy: I'm the Slayer. (Riley looks blankly.) Slay-er. Chosen One. She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries. (He still looks blankly.) You're kidding me! Ask around. Look it up. Slayer, comma, The.
Riley: And you fight demons. I mean, you whaled on those guys.
Buffy: You did pretty well yourself.
Riley: Yeah, but I'm a walking bruise today. If you see me with my clothes off, I look like a... I mean, I have bruises.

Buffy: I really thought that you were a nice, normal guy.
Riley: I am a nice, normal guy.
Buffy: Maybe by this town's standards, but I'm not grading on a curve.

Spike: My sodding sleeping chair's bloody... sodden.

Spike: Do I look like a plumber to you?
Xander: No, you look like a big mooch who doesn't lift a finger around here.

Willow: So, naturally they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: 'Aftershock Party.'
Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the 'Somebody-Sneezed Party,' and the 'Day that Ends in Y Party.'
Willow: They do seem to be pretty generous with their milestones.

Forrest: Well, the way I got it figured, The Slayer is like some kind of bogeyman to sub-terrestrials. Something they tell their little spawn to make them eat their vegetables and clean up their slime pits.
Riley: You're telling me she doesn't exist?
Forrest: Oh, wait a sec. Am I bursting somebody's bubble here? Maybe this a bad time to tell you about the Easter Bunny.

Laurie: ...why, so I can watch you flirt with that redhead?
Percy: What, Rosenberg? Yeah, right. She's just some egghead who tutored me a little in high school. I mean, she's nice, but come on, captain of the nerd squad.
Laurie: Well, I don't know. Maybe you have a thing for geeks.
Percy: Uh, no. I like my women hot. Call me old-fashioned.

Xander: I hate to break it to you, O Impotent One, but you're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even the Kind of Naughty. You're nothing but a waste of space. My space! And as much I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, and as much as I know that I could give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something: You're not even worth it!

Riley: Buffy. She's pretty cool, huh?
Forrest: Yes, already! She's cool. She's hot. She's tepid. She's all-temperature Buffy.

Giles: It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow, and Xander: Again?!

Buffy (about the earthquakes): I told you. I said 'End of the World,' and you were like pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh.

Buffy (about mausoleums): Big, freaky cereal boxes of death.

Riley: I don't know what's happened in your past.
Buffy: Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun.

Buffy: This is a job to you.
Riley: It's not just a job!
Buffy: It's an adventure, great. But for me, it's destiny. It is something that I can't change, something that I can't escape. I'm stuck.

Xander (Upon finding Spike trying to stake himself): We've shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Willow: Xander!
Xander: What? He wants to die, I wanna help...
Willow: It's ooky! We know him! We can't just let him poof himself!
Spike: Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance.

Spike: Stuck in this basement washing skivvies for a blighter I wouldn't have bothered to bite a few months ago.
Xander: Hey!

Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're looking for, we're facing the apocalypse.
Spike (cheering up): Really? You're not just saying that?

Riley: This thing — this you and me thing... it's stupid!
Buffy: I know. Which is why we can't do it... the you and me thing.
Riley: No. I mean, you're stupid. ... I mean... I don't mean that. No. I think maybe I do!
Buffy: Wow. With sweet talk like that, you'll definitely melt my reservations.

Riley (covering up their true occupations from passersby): I mean, you're a... fry cook. And so am I.
Buffy: Yes, but you're an amateur... fry cook. I come from a long line of fry cooks that don't live past twenty-five.

Spike (to Willow and Xander): Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're just her groupies.

Giles: Oh — as usual — dear.

Xander: Sunnydale High. If these walls were still walls, what stories they could tell. Ew! Mayor meat, extra crispy.

Xander (to the demon pummeling him): You're picking on the wrong guy, dude! I had a lot of practice with my lunch money!

Spike (on his newly regained bad-assness): That's right! I'm back and I'm a bloody animal! Yeah!

Riley: Yeah, I was just passing by, and I thought I heard people inside.
Willow: You were just passing by in your G.I. Joe outfit?
Buffy: No offense, but you do look wicked conspicuous.
Riley: I do? I... paint ball! I was just playing paint ball... and then the aftershock...
Xander: So you're one of the commando guys, huh?
Riley: Oh, no no no no. Commando, no, I mean... (to Spike) Do I know you?
Spike (in a very bad Midwestern accent): Me? No. No, sir. I'm just an ol' pal of Xander's here.
          Listen to Spike's bad accent: WAV, 176K

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Riley (about Willow, Xander, and Spike seeing him in his commando gear): But last night with your friends was a disaster. I mean, could I have been less convincing? I was trained to be sneaky and stuff and I'm like, 'Hi! Paint ball. Just passing by.' I should have just given them my security code and rank.
Buffy (impressed): You have a security code and rank?
Riley: No. Did I just say...? This is so not good.

Spike: I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. Come one, vampires, rrrr, nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for... the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!


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