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|Into the Woods|
Dawn: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this, and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, "I am the Slayer! I'm going to get you!"
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly.
Xander: So, what do you wanna do now, Dawnster? Keeping in mind that I won't chase you because I'm old and I'm stuffed full of moo goo gai starch.
Anya: Well, we could play that game again - Life? That was fun.
Dawn: For you. You always win.
Anya: Well... we can make a wager this time. You can give me real money. That would be different.
Xander (sarcastically): And after we teach her to gamble, maybe we can all get drunk!
Anya: I don't think the bar would serve her, but we could bring something in. (To Dawn) Strawberry schnapps tastes just like real ice cream.
Anya: We have to see the chimp playing hockey! That's hilarious! The ice is so slippery, and, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this!
Dawn: It's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink.
Xander: No, no, that's not it at all, they just need time to, um, be tender. Relax.
Anya: He's not very convincing is he?
Dawn: "Alone time" always translates into "get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud obnoxious sex."
Anya (softly to Xander): Oh, does that mean we can't?
Joyce (about wearing a wig): I don't know, Buffy. I think I'd look like I had a cat on my head.
Buffy: But a very well-groomed cat.
Buffy: Come on, wigs are fun! We can get you a whole bunch of different ones. You know, you can be, like, Sixties Mom, Action Mom... (wiggles her hips, suggestively) French Maid Mom.
Joyce: I must be getting better, 'cause you're making fun of me.
Buffy: And I'm sure he'll come over later looking for a little... Bible study.
Joyce: Well, good. I mean just as long as two of you are spending some quality time with... the Lord.
Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you, and I are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part, I mean
Buffy: Get out or I will drop you out head first.
Anya: Who ordered more chickens' feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: I'm serious! Maybe we could do a... holiday promotion. One free with every purchase!
Giles: Oh, yeah. Dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire, enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet.
Willow: Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep. Painting their little toenails.
Anya: That's very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private. "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."
Willow: Anya, I don't say that! No one says that. No one talks that way.
Anya: There's nothing wrong with my idea anyway. I've been very good for this store. If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.
Giles: I say, that's an exaggeration!
Willow: Anya, you've helped out a lot, but I have too.
Anya: Yes, I forgot about all the vigorous sitting around.
Xander: Anya, you can back off a little. You get paid. Willow's doing this on her own time.
Anya: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine.
Xander: Anya, play nice.
Anya: You know, fine, take her side instead of mine even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you, bathes you...
Willow: She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way, not in a sponge-bath-y geriatric sort of
Giles: Please! Stop, I beg of you.
Xander: Well, I guess everybody jumped ship once the word got out that the Slayer found their crib. (pause) I just want to apologize for the use of the word "crib."
Spike: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey.
Riley: Because you are.
Spike: Well... yeah. But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her.
Spike: Come on. You're not the long haul guy and you know it.
Riley: Shut up.
Spike: You know it. Or else you wouldn't be getting suck jobs from two-bit vampire trulls. The girl needs some monster in her man... and that's not in your nature... no matter how low you try to go.
Riley: You actually think you've got a shot with her?
Spike: No, I don't. Fella's gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can.
Riley: If you touched her... you know I'd kill you for real.
Spike: If I had this chip outta my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand?
Spike: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent... No, you got the better deal.
Buffy: Then what? What else do you want from me, Riley? I've given you everything that I have, I've given you my heart, my body and soul!
Riley: You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it.
Buffy: Well, whose fault is that? Because I'm telling you, this is it. This is me. This is the package. And if it's so deficient that you need to get your kicks elsewhere... then we really have a problem.
Xander: Take this, for instance. You don't wanna deal, so you hide? It's not very Slayer-like.
Buffy: Just leave me alone, Xander. You have no idea what's going on.
Xander: No? Good, so you and Riley aren't imploding? (Buffy turns to him in surprise) It doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out is how you never saw it coming.
Buffy: What? Who told you?
Xander: Nobody told me anything, Buffy. It was right in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you.
Buffy: The guy got himself bit by a vampire! He lied to me! He ran around behind my back and almost got himself killed! And now he tells me that he's leaving with some covert military operation at midnight unless I convince him not to. Now tell me that you understand. Because I sure as hell don't.
Xander: You gonna let him go?
Buffy: It's not my decision to make.
Xander: Of course it is.
Buffy: Well, it's not fair!
Xander: Who cares if it's fair? In about twenty minutes, Riley's gonna disappear, maybe forever, unless you do something to stop him.
Buffy: What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?
Xander: Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here you
Buffy: I don't even know who he is anymore! I mean, I thought he was... dependable.
Xander: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?
Buffy: You know what I mean.
Xander: Yeah. I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to, and take off when you didn't.
Buffy: Look who's talking. Look who has Anya following him around like a lovesick puppy.
Xander: Oh boy, is this not about me.
Buffy: Is she more than a convenience? 'Cause that would kinda be a surprise!
Xander: (angry) If you don't wanna hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now.
Buffy: Good, 'cause I don't.
Xander: I lied. See, what I think, you got burned with Angel, then Riley shows up.
Buffy: I know the story, Xander.
Xander: But you missed the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums? If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there, let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need... if you're ready for that... then think about what you're about to lose.
Xander (to Anya): I've gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. I just thought you might wanna know.